It's a weird thing

two things that seem the same

that really are the same

yet there was this nagging feeling

that I knew that they weren't really

that something that I wouldn't have known otherwise

had I not seen them side by side

that something that was really an absence of something

that void that didn't mean anything before but

feels oppressive now like a pressure against my chest

making me want to push back harder

for a little longer

waiting for sweet release

but knowing that it won't come

the funny thing is that the easier thing is actually the harder thing

but only because I make it so

You keep turning it over and over trying to find an expiration date

like it will say best if used by 5 22 2011 in black italicized numbers if you look hard enough

You kind of have that feeling that it's supposed to go bad inevitably so you won't be surprised when it does.

Maybe it's like a fruit. You've had fruit before and it felt ripe and ready to eat but you wanted to hold on a little longer because you weren't sure so you turned your head away for a moment

but by the time you came back it had gone bad already.

Then there was the time you bit in too early and it was sour and hard and it was a waste of something that could have been.

Dedicated to Technolux

I hadn't seen the comment on my previous post until now. It was a reminder that (1) I haven't written in a long time and (2) I miss writing. When I don't write regularly, I find that I don't have a firm grasp of how I think and feel. It's nice to draw boundaries and organize thoughts and come to conclusions, because otherwise you just have this array of stimuli that upon first glance and first exposure don't mean too much. It isn't until I really really take the time to think about things (or sometimes when someone calls me out on something) that I can put two and two together. And maybe this is vague but maybe that's why it is relatable.

"You are a people pleaser," she said. It stung. The words. But maybe because I don't take criticism well. It's funny, because it wasn't such a terrible thing to say about a person anyway. Maybe the words stung more, because the truth stings a little. The funny thing is that I should have come to this conclusion much earlier than this and really I'm sure if I asked anyone else that knows me, they would have told me, "Well, duh." Sometimes it's hard to take a good hard look at yourself when you're just swimming in all of your "You." You can kind of look around and see pieces of yourself here and there, kind of like how you can look down right now and see your fingers flexing and your feet stretching but it's that "You" in all of its entirety that sometimes you need a little help seeing sometimes. Luckily, I don't have to this on my own all of the time with friends around who will provide needed pricks of truth now and then.

Binary opposites

Every time I have a spare minute where I want to feel productive, I venture onto the Access UT website to scope out potential jobs / future life trajectories. Having done this same sort of pattern for almost 6 months now, I have found that my tendencies sway one of two ways: find some sort of job in Austin working in web/graphic design or teach English abroad somewhere. It is kind of a funny to me to realize how vastly different these options are. The former involves staying in the same city that I have lived in for almost 4 years now doing something that I have done on and off for almost a decade now. The latter is worlds apart from anything I have ever done before in places I have never stepped foot in.

Staying in Austin is tempting because it's comfortable. Built-in friends and familiarity, but for the same reason, it could be an empty motion. Aside from the possibility of developing experience in a field that I could possibly enjoy, I could find myself feeling stagnated and restless when this point in my life is supposed to be this exciting new beginning.

Leaving the country is tempting, because it's exciting and different. It would also be a test on my convictions about material things and being able to be independent. On the other hand, I could be underestimating the challenges that I would encounter -- not only being in a new country where I don't speak the language but also developing lesson plans as an English teacher. It could be incredibly lonely and being occasionally introverted, I could be overwhelmed by such a different social atmosphere.

It might be silly to think of this dilemma in such a binary way, but considering I have not given any other options much weight throughout this thinking process I feel like this is what it comes down to. Alternatives like moving to a different city or working a different type of job here don't sit well in my stomach. Moving to a different city takes into account the potential job opportunities of that city and if I would move to a different city, I would want to move to a really interesting city but of course cities like these are the ones that everyone wants to move to so consequently the job market can be a little tricky for design jobs. Alternatively, I could probably find a job in civil engineering in a better city. This might be the practical option but I feel like this might also be one of those steps in the wrong direction. Maybe if I could find a way to get a civil engineering job that gives me a lot of skills with CAD computer software, which I could form into future opportunities in design.

I think part of the reason why teaching abroad is so appealing to me is because it would be so easy to have to do it -- to put myself into a position where I had no choice but to. Whereas if I were allowed to sit here stagnating, I might just do nothing. Being lazy is a burden. Being semi-ambitious and lazy is an even trickier combination.

Sometimes I feel like I could just lay here forever

Like I could push away everything because everything is really nothing if you hardly think about it

Sometimes I forget that there is no forever and that is why I can't just lay here

Because then it really will be nothing when it all comes down to it

When I think about it all, I'll find that I forgot to do anything about it

There is something very hard for me to do and it is to think about my life as this tangible finite thing and I think this difficulty lends itself to how I perceive it, which affects how I try to live it. This is why I sometimes get bogged down by little things or why I can easily turn on autopilot and coast through my life so mindlessly. I think that sometimes I forget that living my life means that I need to be active participant, that what my life amounts to is a result of how much I put into it and that I should continuously be living each day with this mindset.