It's weird to feel envy for things that you don't really want for yourself

I suppose that just iterates the separation between desire and rational thought, between pathos and logos

I am

terribly excited for this year. I don't know what it is. I think I am just happy with my state of mind right now. Whether that will continue once I get back is questionable but for now I am happy.

MS Paint

customizing blogs at work requires use of minimal tools

dearest friends,

I say 'dearest' because i want to greet you and also because if you are reading this you are probably some of the most dear to me. I wonder if that's where the letter greeting originated? Circumventing that tangential thought, I shall return to the thought at hand. I have decided to establish this - to declare it really - because to say it aloud or to type it out acknowledges it and gives it substance. It makes it less than mere words floating in my head that can be easily dismissed. And saying it to you gives it even more weight, like a covenant of sorts.

As a person who has a less-than-solid belief system (religious or otherwise whatever that may be), I find it difficult as all of us do to find meaning in life. I don't want to get to carried away with that notion because it is very easy to get carried away with it and my point is a little off-center from that. Essentially what I want to do is establish a direction for myself or maybe less a direction than a foundation. So that if I ever feel lost or uncertain I can have something to go back to as the basis for what I believe in and for what I stand for.

Ultimately it comes down to this. I want to be a good person. Not only that, but I want to continually better myself. After all, what purpose do we have than to be the best person we can be? Not to say that I am all of a sudden going to go on a world-saving mission (although that isn't an awful idea) but I just want to know that every action that I take is in line with principles I can stand by. I would say that I am generally morally relaxed in the scope of traditional moral standards and this will be reflected in the moral standards I establish for myself. So this won't be a dramatic change from how I already think and feel. This is not something where I all of a sudden take a moral stand against premarital sex or something like that. I have not thought it is morally objectionable and will not think it is so. Instead this is moreso a solidification/clarification of what I already believe to be true for myself.

So now what? Now I will generally outline the fundamental ideals for the basis of my actions.

• Always be open-minded. I think that I am an open-minded person but I don't want to take this assumption for granted because the funny thing about close-mindedness is that you don't recognize it in yourself. I want to always try to see things from each perspective even when an idea or answer seems obvious
• Realize the consequences of my actions, not only short-term but long-term and not only direct but indirect. I am pretty good about immediate direct consequences but I tend to have a disregard for the long term. This goes with the first bulletpoint -- I need to be aware of who is affected by my actions and how
• While it is good to be selfless and sensitive to other people, I need to equally weigh in how I am affected. My ambitions and wellbeing are equally important.
• Realize everyone has different circumstances and try to not make assumptions or develop prejudices about people before knowing them

I know it's kind of silly to do this (especially since these principles aren't exactly groundbreaking ideas) but I want to know that what I am doing is right. I know that I will make mistakes but luckily I am pretty forgiving of myself.

So how do you factor into this? As I said before, by putting into words and telling you, I am held accountable. Just because I don't believe in an almighty judge to reprimand me for my actions does not mean that I shouldn't be held accountable for them.

So that's it. Not terribly lifechanging stuff or maybe it is. Maybe by developing the habit of becoming aware of how I feel and think and act, I can live my life to its utmost potential. I want to better my life and myself and as much as I can the lives of other people and I want to rid myself of sources that are detrimental to these purposes.

I don't expect to do everything right -- not even close -- I just don't want to always settle for "alright."

i talked before

about how for once i feel the effects of getting older and as i said before, i am not mourning the loss of my youth because that would be foolish -- i am still so very young. i guess what i am saying is that i don't feel as young as i once was. but maybe that's how we always feel at each stage of our life because all we have is to look back and think how foolish we once were. but i think now i have accepted that i am still foolish but not as foolish as i once was to think that i wasn't foolish at all.

I think one of my biggest flaws right now is my willingness to take the immediately easier route. That is how I am. I like ease and immediacy of results. This is reflected in many aspects of my life from my everyday decisions to life-altering ones. It isn't that I don't have foresight, I just don't acknowledge the long-term consequences.

There isn't much more to say. I can say that I'm doing better with this but I still make mistakes and that's all I can really say.

it's a funny thing

to care and not care and forget and not forget
that's really me in a nutshell

for the most part i am flowing through the days of my life freely, stumbling past pylons and hurdles and roadblocks which I pass over wondering in the back of my head if they were mere pebbles or potholes but not giving them much second thought. I suppose the pieces of glass and rubber and metal and plastic build up and I have to stop and wonder where they all came from and I need to take a moment to mend and build myself back up again. I don't know if it's the same as it was before or if it's worse or better but pretty soon I'm back up and rolling through and past and over and under again as if nothing had happened.