getting older

is a strange thing. I never thought that I would ever feel

 older or notice myself growing up. In fact I remember 

being young and thinking this exact thing. That it seemed 

strange to me how my parents and how adults are and how 

one day I'd be expected to be one of them. Now that I'm older

I have noticed the changes in myself and the people around

me or in some the lack of changes. It's a strange thing to see

 the same look in the eyes of younger people that I remember

 seeing in my own not so long ago or what seemed not so long ago.

I see certain things that have developed in myself that I 

recognize as what had seemed so foreign to me

all those years ago in my parents and adults. 

I still make plenty of childish mistakes and 

sometimes I fail to have the same honed awareness

 that my parents seem to have but it is still certainly a strange thing

 to finally feel the effects of age or maybe maturity. 

the bad part

about being able to be happy anywhere 

is that you never strive for anything better

it might not be good to always be satisfied

Pops

spending the day with the pops

running errands

grilling steak

wearing new clothes

feeling relaxed

Dang

If everything in the world is going bad

we are going to be bad as well

Frustrated

I haven't felt this way in a long time. I don't know what it is exactly. I can pinpoint several things but I am still unsure whether that is what is causing it. I feel restless again and dissatisfied and anxious. I feel the need to do something drastic to jog everything back into equilibrium.

Toni&Guy

has this thing where if you submit yourself to being a hair model, you get a free cut. I'm into taking risks so we'll see what happens. 

honestly

i feel a little guilty

you probably heard it in my silence

i felt a little disappointed

which i tried to hide

i feel a little dizzy now 

but maybe that's just the wine

i feel a little uncertain 

but maybe this is how it's supposed to be

And so it goes

Hey, sorry my reply took so long, I thought I may have ended up seeing you earlier in the week. First of all, what are you doing tomorrow (thursday)? Let's hang out, I'm done with school for good at around 1:30. Second, thanks for telling me how you feel, it really means a lot to me. I agree that we'll both be alright. I have an undeniable peace about it, and its because of how genuine our relationship is. We both need to do whats best for ourselves, and if that means we need to part, then thats ok, as long as its whats best. And someday, if whats best for you is me, then that's what you have to do. I'll call you and see you soon --- On Sun, 5/10/09, Kristine Fernandez wrote: Subject:  Date: Sunday, May 10, 2009, 10:23 PM Adam, I just wanted to let you know how I really feel because I've made it painfully obvious that I'm really bad at that kind of thing in person. I'm going to miss you -- really, the idea of not seeing you again hasn't sunk in. Whether or not you realize it, meeting you has meant a lot to me. In a selfish sort of way, meeting you has made me realize things about myself. I've always had a fairly distinct idea of who I am as a person but I had lost some of that clarity. Meeting you brought me back. In a less selfish sort of way, I really do care about you. I've tried to keep you at a distance because of the circumstances and because of my personality in general but I just can't help falling for that damn smug face of yours hahaha -- I'm going to miss you but I know that we'll both be alright. It's weird because I really do feel like things will be alright for both of us. That doesn't mean that I'm not sad that things had to turn out this way. But I'm happy for you because I know that this is something that you need to do. I know that feeling of restlessness (albeit mine are of a smaller scale). I also know that you'll be alright because you're a good, strong person. I think you know this but if you ever had any doubts, forget about them -- I have credibility in this kind of thing (probably not true but take my word anyway). I know I'm going to see you before I leave but I just wanted you to know all of this. Just please don't rub in the sappiness when you see me -- I won't take it. Like, I'll see you later I guess, (With love,) Kristine

these are the shortlived adventures

of hardly two months

of sarcastic banter,

of playful wrestling,

of waking up next to you

despite the barring circumstances,

of silly trysts in strange places,

of smug faces and frank conversations,

of uncertainty and of clarity,

of bittersweet endings,

of terrible timing,

of wants and of needs,

of disappointment and of acceptance,

of caring too much and of caring too little,

of finding and of losing,

of finding myself and of losing you,

these are the shortlived adventures.

I don't like

to be dependent on anything but myself

i like not having to wait on other things or people

so i don't like that i feel dependent on you

I guess

I just want it to be over already

Or want to be over it already

Or both or none or something

I am feeling a little off

I think I might be getting sick
Something smells ripe
I think it's that banana

I think it's also everything else

I'm ready to go

there

is a feeling in the pit of my stomach that
i know is not really there
that i know is merely what i feel
that i have swallowed in hopes of
not having to see it or admit it
it pushes up climbing the walls of my
esophagus trying to escape past my teeth
but i swallow and push it back down again

i guess

either you don't understand what is going on
or you understand too well

i suppose i feel the same
push and pull
if that is what you are feeling too

i suppose i just wish i wouldn't
feel it so much at all

didn't get to hang out with adam at all this weekend. kind of missed him a little bit. but only when i would think of it at all.

i like

that i am beginning to form
the walls
beginning to fill in the gaps

what i had thought was
substance underneath
had only been
reflections off the surface
of the other bodies

i squinted at the forms
thinking that they must be
what i had expected them to be
that they were the things
that i saw in the bodies around me

and then i realized they were so
familiar because these things
and the things that i saw were
one and the same